The Grift

Month: March 2023

  • A year without booze, sobriety rules!

    My year without alcohol and some lessons learned.

    I haven’t had a drink in a year. Its a pretty good feeling. I was kind of sick a few weeks back and bitched and moaned like a baby because I hate being sick. I couldn’t imagine a hangover now. I would rather be that guy that had to cut his arm off with a rock or whatever in that canyon.

    I won’t lecture you on why you should stop drinking but I wanted to share my story about my own journey with alcoholism and eventual sobriety. I grew up in a house with a raging alcoholic father and always hated when he drank. When he was sober he was just kind of dumb and funny, but when he was drunk he was a monster. I remember thinking “I’m never going to be like that, I wont ever drink.” You can probably guess that I did not stick to the plan.

    Not a stock photo, totally real photo.

    I remember really enjoying the feeling of being drunk when I was a teenager. I was relatively responsible, and I usually chalked up my bad behavior to just being eccentric. I loved attention and doing outlandish things. I never drank before school or at school or during the week but by the time Friday night rolled around, I was drinking. Saturday? I was drinking. But on Sundays I respected the sabbath and took the day off.

    When I went to college, I was already a seasoned drinker. I ended up in the hospital my freshman year for drinking too much but otherwise never had any major consequences from drinking. A normal person would stop and say “wait you were in the fucking hospital, that is a consequence,” but I was never arrested for being drunk, never got a DUI, never crashed a car, etc. There were some fights, but that was part of being in a fraternity, right? I finished school with a tremendously low GPA and I blamed it on immaturity and depression, not drinking. It couldn’t be the drinking.

    When I graduated, I moved to DC and got a shitty job, moved back to PGH and got a shittier job. I had my own apartment, girlfriend, career, I was doing ok. I convinced myself that drinking wasn’t a problem, but I knew in the back of my mind that it was. I got a better job, we got married, we bought a house, had issues with infertility, got some dogs, got depressed and anxious, started and finished grad school, landed a better job…and I was still convinced that my success and resume meant that I could not possibly have a drinking problem.

    My drinking would have been considered alcoholic behavior by the NIH or CDC, but I kept it in check for the most part…. When the pandemic hit, I felt like I had been handed a blank check to drink 5-6 nights a week. At this time my job was relatively easy so waking up in zombie mode and getting through the day was no problem. I hated that job and myself, so drinking was a way to numb my feelings. I would go through phases where I would say “I am not drinking during the week” but after like two weeks I would find an excuse to drink. My wife and I planned on a move to Chicago after I landed a job there and as the stress mounted and the move date was getting closer, I was drinking more and more. I woke up one Sunday (March 20, 2022, for those keeping score) and realized I had enough. Alcohol had ruined my weekend. I was sick of feeling like shit and making the people around me feel like shit.

    I finally admitted to my wife something she probably knew for a long time; I am an alcoholic. I was so nervous about what that statement said about me, but it ended up being liberating. It felt like I lifted a 50lb weight off my shoulders. No more drunk math, no more counting drinks and then blowing past my self-imposed limit, no more worrying about if alcohol would be at events, no more worrying about who would drive, no more of all the other shit that goes along with an addiction. Moderation is bullshit, for me at least.

    I can honestly say that removing alcohol from my life has been the single best decision I have ever made. More important than getting married to my amazing wife, more important than any career choice I have ever made, more important than adopting my asshole dogs. Without the removal of alcohol all those things would have eventually gone away. I don’t want to give the impression that sobriety solves all problems, it just makes them much more manageable.

    I don’t want to villainize the person I was before I got sober. I am still the same person. I think there is a tendency to apply a reductionist approach to sobriety vs active addiction. That person that was drinking was so bad, but this sober person is so good. It’s not that simple. I was a decent person before, even when drinking. I am a flawed person in sobriety. We are all complex individuals dealing with complex shit, handling it in the best way we can.

    I was so worried I would not be funny or creative or social or enjoy things. I am funnier (I think so). I am more creative. I do social things (I avoid things as well) and I love doing so many things I totally forgot I loved doing! I don’t waste time sitting at bars with people I don’t really like or going to events I don’t want to be at just to get drunk. Sobriety has allowed me to reclaim my time.

    I still get cravings for alcohol but they have been short lived and always pass. I drink a shitload of sparkling water, diet coke, or a fancy topo chico on a Friday night if I am feeling frisky, and I have found that I enjoy at least 2 pots of coffee a day.  I listen to sobriety podcasts, read, go for walks, run, lift weights, skateboard and go fishing; I am falling in love with my hobbies again. It’s like discovering new things but you already have all the apparatuses. On a typical Thursday night I would have had 100 beers and watched basketball, but a few weeks ago I randomly went to the skatepark at 8 pm on a Thursday instead. It’s all about changing the patterns that lead to drinking. It’s also about embracing boredom and peace. Life doesn’t have to be one chaotic adventure to the next. Sometimes it can just be listening to music in the kitchen with a sparkling water or feeding your dogs treats.

    I also think its important to highlight the time between drunk episodes during my active alcoholism, even days without alcohol I was a miserable pissy pants dickhead. I would guess that my brain was constantly in an anxious state. I have found that even the times that I would normally not be drunk to be far more enjoyable. Now Tuesday’s rule! Thank God it’s Tuesday! TGIT!

    I know I said I wouldn’t lecture but if you are worried about being bored in sobriety or that you won’t be funny or have fun or whatever, you will. It might be boring at first but eventually you will find better coping strategies. If you are struggling and want to talk about getting sober, reach out; I love talking. I would love to talk to you, and we can chat about some of the things that helped me get off the sauce. I am not a professional so my experiences and advice might suck major ass. I just wanted to let people know that I understand how lonely this can be.

    I love lists so here’s a bunch of benefits of sobriety:

    1. I am less of an asshole. Still an asshole sometimes, but less.
    2. I wake up super early, my god I have so much time. Too much time.
    3. I finish projects now.
    4. I read books, not constantly like an English teacher or something, but I read way more.
    5. I started a blog. I have wanted to write about sports and culture for a while and never had the focus to even start the process.
    6. I have lost like 50lbs.
    7. I don’t eat like shit anymore (weird).
    8. I workout 5-6 days a week and enjoy it.
    9. I let slights or perceived slights roll off my back easier.
    10. I don’t hate myself (big one); I would literally wake up and say “You are a piece of shit.” That’s ridiculous! I am not a piece of shit! I am a human. A good human.
    11. I don’t waste money at bars I hate with people I don’t like.
    12. I don’t waste time. I can attend a football game and then go home and go for a run. That’s wild! I would go to Steelers/Pitt games and be down for the rest of the day/next day. Now I can drive to the gym or go to the grocery store. I snuck a can of diet coke into the last Steeler game I went to. I AM A WILD MAN!!!!!!
    Life now that I’ve stopped drinking. Constantly riding my bike with Micayla in a field.

    That was kind of all over the place, but I just wanted to share that it is possible to stop drinking and life does get much better.

  • Bring Back Crusty Baseball Players

    I have felt like something has been missing in my life for the past 20 years, no not a father figure but old looking Major League Baseball players. I am sick and tired of good looking and in shape baseball players, nobody can relate to Manny Machado or Tim Anderson or Bryan Reynolds. Rob Manfred needs to get off his ass and make these dudes relatable! Mandatory post-game cigarettes and bologna sandwiches. When I started watching baseball in 1993 you could turn on the TV and see a long reliever that looked like he managed the Gulf Station in your neighborhood and just a couple nibbles of the loose beef sticks near the cash register. These sort of crusty ass players were unceremoniously pushed out by steroid induced home run hitting comic book heroes. This makes me sad.

    Danny Darwin

    Danny Darwin was a classic Jim Varney look alike that played for the Pirates for a brief period of time. He came into the league looking like he was 49 years old. He also bought most of the chips from Slicks down on Capital Ave when he left town. He looks younger now as a pitching coach than he did when he played. Good old looking baseball man.

    Andre Dawson

    He was nicknamed Hawk, probably because hawks are old and mean, some of the oldest and meanest of the bird kingdom. Science. The best player of the bunch, led the league in total bases twice, 8 x gold glove winner. Won 1987 NL MVP and had 49 Home Runs at Wrigley which was probably hard or maybe easy depending on wind, I don’t know I was 1 year old. He looks like a dude that is not to be fucked with, probably a good neighbor but don’t let your dog shit on his lawn.

    Dale Sveum

    Dale Sveum played 3rd base which is a good old looking baseball man position. You can play a little defense, you probably have a cannon but you can also post up at the bag and not move a ton because you have limited range, then when you really let yourself go you hobble on over to first base. It’s a good position for a guy that likes to smoke and drink some Beast Ice. In fact I am going to start calling Dale Sveum “Beast Ice.” I have never met him and doubt I will come across him in real life but its better to be prepared.

    The Entire 1987 Toronto Blue Jays

    Please look at their Baseball Reference page, its basically the Murderers Row of Old Looking Baseball players. 1987 was a very good year for baseball players that look like they service the boilers at your grandmas assisted living community. George Bell was old when he was young and old when he was old. He led the league in Total Bases and RBI in 1987. They have dudes named RANCE, a guy with a first name of RANCE!!!! Tom Henke buys donuts for his church but also watches if you take more than one. Ernie Whitt was probably 57 and was on this team because he “just wanted to see if this old cowboy has anything left”. Too many young olds to count.

    Lance Parrish

    The most attractive of the list, just an older man that took care of himself. He also looks exactly like Steelers legend Kevin Greene. I had asked for a catchers mitt when I was a kid and my dad bought me a Lance Parrish Rawlings glove. Lance Parrish was a catcher which is actually the most perfect old looking guy position on earth. Catcher takes a special kind of guy, the toughness of a roofer, the brain of a puppet master and the body of a guy who repairs bus stops. He was born in Clairton PA which automatically makes you grizzled and with a name like Lance he flew thru his infantile stage right into being 48 and wearing knee braces. Lance Parrish was signed by the Pirates because he had his CDL.

    I was going to add an honorable mentions spot but Embed Press stopped working so you will have to come up with some of your own! There is also only so much space for old men in tight pants rubbing icy hot all over their bodies. Let me know about some of your favorite old guys that were actually young athletes.

    Also Baylor unfortunately will win the NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship and Duke will be in the Final Four. I will be back this weekend with more bullshit! Maybe I will get to how the Pittsburgh Pirates and Penguins are stealing tax payer money or maybe it will be more dumb stuff! Who knows?

  • A few words on Sports and Men’s Fashion

    By Jody Davin 3/5/2023

    I hope you remembered that the last blog post was for amusement purposes only and I was only serious about some of the bets I listed, the ones that I predicted correct were the serious ones and the ones that I got wrong were the joke ones. Duh.

    1. The Kansas City Chiefs are going to be annoying. If you aren’t already annoyed by their fans doing racist chanting and hand gestures on national television, then you will be annoyed by their winning. They keep winning games that look like they are destined to lose, this is reminiscent of the Patriots late stage run. Mahomes is unreal, Kelce is the best and now they are pretending that people think they suck. Nobody counted them out, they were a top 3 favorite to win the Super Bowl all season long. Please stop playing underdog. They are who we thought they were, crown em! – Dennis Green. (RIP)
    2. Ron Hextall should be fired into the sun. I went to a game two weeks ago and the normally boring corporate crowd at Consol Energy Center organically started chanting “Fire Hextall!” It was the best crowd moment at the Power Plant (that’s what I call it) since 2014 when the crowd overtook Royal Rumble. Most memorably the crowd booed the shit out of Rey Mysterio when he was announced as the 30th participant instead of Daniel Bryan. This has turned into a recap of a wrestling show that ended more than 9 years ago. Anyway Hextall Sucks, he didn’t clear cap space, made the team smaller and somehow older at the trade deadline. If they make the playoffs, which I hope they do, they will get murdered by Boston. Ron Hextall Sucks! Ron Hextall Sucks (to the tune of John Cena Sucks).
    3. Pitt Basketball has been fun to watch but they are a fraud. Jeff Capel has put together a decent team of transfers and a Graduate Student in Nellie Cummings. They lobbied so hard to get ranked only to lose to a really bad Notre Dame team with the ACC Title on the line and then get crushed on the glass 42-20 at Miami with yet another shot at the ACC Title. If they don’t shoot lights out they cant win. They have no presence below the hoop. I will be interested to see if they can keep any of these players, Jeff Capel hasn’t built shit. He had one good season but I would not anticipate this level of success next year. Capel oversaw two of the worst seasons in Oklahoma Basketball history and I wonder if fans would have been so excited about his hiring if he didn’t stand next to Coach K for 7 years. They now need a win in the ACC tournament to get an NCAA Bid, I think they get one win and maybe two. They will be dancing which will be exciting but Capel is no Jamie Dixon.

    Cultural Commentary

    I just got this email with this description of a podcast

    “As a kid, Thomas Synan Jr. wanted to help people — like the iconic superhero Batman.  He’s chief of Newtown Police Department in southeastern Ohio.”

    We need to address the problem of cops being angry nerds. He is comparing himself to Batman. Batman’s parents were brutally murdered in front of him and he went on to a life of vigilante justice. This feels like it’s the problem. No I will not be listening to this podcast.   

    FASHION TIME!!!!!

    We need to talk about LANYARDS.

    Why do people have those lanyards that stick out of their pockets? I am 36 and I remember being in middle school when lanyards were kind of a thing, I think I had a Notre Dame one. I wore it around my neck with my house and locker keys on it. Then I realized I hated Notre Dame and had no connection to the school and Lou Hotlz sucked and Bob Davey was even worse. I took the keys off and put them into my pocket, then lost the lanyard and never once considered it again. Why are adults in 2023 wearing lanyards that hang out of their pocket? Like are you proud that you have things that clip onto another clip? It’s always dudes that still wear cargo shorts, Is this just a Western PA thing? Is it just a hockey dad thing? Is this a middle school sports coach thing? It’s always people that drive white SUV’s and wear Nike Shox. They might not be Cops but say shit like “cops have a tough job; you don’t get it.” Please stop this.

    Proper use of a lanyard.

    He’s probably on time for something important, maybe even has extra time because he knows what he’s doing and wears his lanyard right. Probably makes sensible contributions to a retirement account at regular intervals.

    Improper use

    These people are living in 1998 and really hope CrazyTown goes back on tour. Come my lanyard, come come my lanyard. Key holder baby.

    Come back next week! Or whenever I decide to write again. We will talk Pittsburgh Pirates, Public financing of sports buildings and hair gel salesmen that want to be Allegheny County Treasurers!