“I guess this cowboy has a little left in him” – Ben Roethlisberger when literally nobody was claiming he was done. That quote could also apply to a man that Ben essentially bullied into a 4th string role, Mason Rudolph was literally an Oklahoma State Cowboy and has resurrected a roller coaster Steelers season and somehow got them into the playoffs. The first weekend of NFL playoff games feature a bunch of random weirdo castoff starting quarterbacks, Rudolph, older than dirt Pitt reject Joe Flacco and Lake Travis School Board election financier Baker Mayfield. He actually funded an anti-CRT school board candidate, read more here. He is also suing his father’s company over a missing $12 million investment, read more about that mess here. I knew I hated him for a reason beyond football and his annoying commercials.
Outside of the actual games on the field the major story is the NFL broadcasting a playoff game exclusively on a streaming platform named after a male bird in the PeaFowl family, female peafowls are called peahens and males are the more commonly known peacock. But this isn’t the Aviary, and I am no longer a licensed ornithologist, you know after “the incident.” Showing a playoff game exclusively on a streaming service behind a paywall is another example of the NFL’s constant greed. It’s not enough that people pay hundreds of dollars to go to games, season ticket holders pay for preseason games and personal seat licenses, taxpayer dollars are used to publicly fund stadiums for billionaires, I have to pay $18 for a flat Diet Pepsi served out of a game worn medical device (that’s not a terrible idea), now Roger “Normal Guy” Goodell is asking us to sign up for a service to watch a playoff game and various Chicago based public safety shows. NBCUniversal reportedly paid $110 million for the game so 32 groups of rich assholes can get an extra $3 million. Chris Mad Dog Russo has some good thoughts on this here. Important to note that if you are in KC or Miami the game will be on local tv, I am sure I have readers in those two markets. Its important to understand that any NFL games that are on pay TV services like cable or streaming are also broadcast on local television, that’s been the case for years.
I became an obsessed NFL fan because the games were accessible, you could watch the biggest games without having cable, we couldn’t afford cable in my house and my mom would have laughed if I asked her to sign up for a service to watch a single NFL Playoff game. Local teams were on local stations and then the 4pm game was the biggest game of the week, usually Dallas or Green Bay or Denver. Monday Night Football was on ABC and the playoffs and Super Bowl were all on broadcast television. If some is good, ALL is better if you are a greedy ghoul. Streaming sucks, I rarely watch the Thursday night games now that they are on Amazon and have zombie Al Michaels calling them, changing the channel during one of the 90000 commercials in a game is nearly impossible because it’s like restarting Encarta.
Another recent issue I have with the NFL playoffs, a Monday Night playoff game is awful, god forbid we schedule a 1pm Saturday game. I feel like a dinosaur, but the NFL has turned into the sports version of Wal Mart, we aren’t far from “this punt is sponsored by the new Boeing 737, now with doors that don’t fly off mid-flight!” The NFL is the most watched show on television year after year but I think they may be getting closer to a saturation point and fans finally saying “I’m fine skipping Titans v Jaguars at 9:30 am Tuesday on Showtime Plus Max Liberator Network for $8.99 per second.”
Enough complaining, onto the Jode-splaining! (my wife came up with that, think man-splaining, she’s clever).
Saturday
Cleveland at Houston
Line: Houston (+2.5)
4:30pm Saturday NBC (normal NBC, not the bird NBC)
Two equally elite Quarterbacks
When Houston got an NFL franchise it was written into law that if they make the playoffs they must play at 4:30pm on Saturday. It feels like a tradition at this point. CJ Stroud has put together an incredible rookie season and DeMeco Ryans has done an equally impressive job as a first year head coach. Unfortunately CJ Stroud ranks 27th out of 32 Quarterbacks facing man coverage and the Browns play lots of man coverage. Even with the possible loss of Denzel Ward the Browns still have Myles Garrett who is likely the Defensive Player of the Year. Flacco has been slanging that thang and just a few weeks back Amari Cooper put up 265 yards on the same Texans defense. I think Cleveland wins and covers.
Miami at Kansas City
Line: KC (-4.5)
8pm Saturday Peacock
Miami is a mess. They needed to beat a mediocre Buffalo team at home to win the division and play at home and now they must go to Kansas City and play in below freezing conditions. Raheem Mostert and Jaylen Waddle are banged up and Xavien Howard and Bradley Chubb will be out, both of Miami’s starting safeties are hurt as well. Kansas City doesn’t have a wide receiver that would start at IUP but Miami is a total mess and I just cant pick against Andy Reid in January. I think Kansas City wins and covers somewhat easily.
Sundays (full day of football and queso ooooooooooooooooooh baby!)
Steelers at Bills
Line: Bills (-10)
1pm CBS (the Romo game)
I hate this game, I hate the Steelers playing at 1pm on Sunday for personal reasons. I have a commitment from 11am until 1pm and doubt that I will be able to grab a pizza and be home and ready for the game in time. The Steelers will be without TJ Watt but will be returning Minkah Fitzpatrick and Demontae Kazee to the secondary. Buffalo has a mediocre run defense and Najee Harris and Jaylen Warren have come alive in the last two weeks. The weather reports for Buffalo are terrible so it sounds like throwing wont be a major part of the game. I unfortunately don’t like the Steelers in this spot and think Buffalo is trending up, they haven’t lost a game since before Thanksgiving and the one game they have lost in their last six was an OT loss at Philadelphia. Josh Allen loves turning the ball over and the Steelers will need that to happen to win, I worry that Buffalo will run the ball down the Steelers throat. I hope this trends like the 1993 Wild Card game at Arrowhead where a mediocre Steelers team took Joe Montana to overtime and ultimately lost. 10 points is huge, but I think Buffalo probably covers. If you are going to bet this game hit the under and leave the sides to the professionals.
Green Bay at Dallas
Line: Dallas (-7)
4:30 Fox
I avoid watching these teams if I can. I have watched like five minutes of Dallas this year and one Green Bay game. I am just so sick of these two teams, Green Bay hasn’t been relevant since 2010 and Dallas hasn’t been relevant since 1996. We are just subjected to them week after week for some reason. I don’t care who wins, I hope both teams lose. I think Dallas smashes them because they are clearly the better team and Jordan Love IS NOT THAT GOOD! But theres still a chance that Mike McCarthy could blow the Mike McCarthy Bowl, hes so dumb….Dallas covers.
Rams at Lions
Line: Lions (-3)
8pm or whenever Carrie Underwood stops signing (whichever is later) NBC
“Ohhh Carrie, love that song, so happy to have her back this year, don’t you just love that song Mike?” Cris Collinsworth during the Week 1 game. No nobody likes that song, its fucking dumb, its marginally better than the awful Monday Night Song. Detroit has never hosted a playoff game in Ford Field, literally the Steelers have played and won more post season games at Ford Field than the Lions. I really like Dan Campbell, I thought he was a crazy goofball that would be fire before Thanksgiving. He has turned the Lions into a good team with some legitimate players. The pressure of not having a home playoff game since 1994 and not having won a playoff game since 1992 will be too much, also Sam Laporta is probably out. Rams have lots of options on offense. I am leaning Rams +3….leaning.
Monday Night Foooooobawwwww (I can feel it in the air tonight….OOOOOHHHHH, cmon SNOOP!)
Eagles at Buccaneers
Line: Buccaneers +3.5
Eagles are reeling. Jalen Hurts is literally hurt, his finger is messed up, AJ Brown is hurt. I don’t think anybody wins this game. It will end in a tie and the commissioner will tell us to all turn our tv’s off and go to sleep. Philadelphia cannot handle the blitz and Tampa blitzes. Philadelphia’s historic defense from last year is long gone, Matt Patricia is now the D Coordinator. I hate to pick Baker Mayfield and Todd Bowles but I think I am. Tampa wins outright….
There you have it. My wildcard preview. I hope to write more regularly this year but who knows. Thanks for reading and remember the only way to get back to even is to keep on BETTING!
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