A year without booze, sobriety rules!

My year without alcohol and some lessons learned.

I haven’t had a drink in a year. Its a pretty good feeling. I was kind of sick a few weeks back and bitched and moaned like a baby because I hate being sick. I couldn’t imagine a hangover now. I would rather be that guy that had to cut his arm off with a rock or whatever in that canyon.

I won’t lecture you on why you should stop drinking but I wanted to share my story about my own journey with alcoholism and eventual sobriety. I grew up in a house with a raging alcoholic father and always hated when he drank. When he was sober he was just kind of dumb and funny, but when he was drunk he was a monster. I remember thinking “I’m never going to be like that, I wont ever drink.” You can probably guess that I did not stick to the plan.

I remember really enjoying the feeling of being drunk when I was a teenager. I was relatively responsible, and I usually chalked up my bad behavior to just being eccentric. I loved attention and doing outlandish things. I never drank before school or at school or during the week but by the time Friday night rolled around, I was drinking. Saturday? I was drinking. But on Sundays I respected the sabbath and took the day off.

When I went to college, I was already a seasoned drinker. I ended up in the hospital my freshman year for drinking too much but otherwise never had any major consequences from drinking. A normal person would stop and say “wait you were in the fucking hospital, that is a consequence,” but I was never arrested for being drunk, never got a DUI, never crashed a car, etc. There were some fights, but that was part of being in a fraternity, right? I finished school with a tremendously low GPA and I blamed it on immaturity and depression, not drinking. It couldn’t be the drinking.

When I graduated, I moved to DC and got a shitty job, moved back to PGH and got a shittier job. I had my own apartment, girlfriend, career, I was doing ok. I convinced myself that drinking wasn’t a problem, but I knew in the back of my mind that it was. I got a better job, we got married, we bought a house, had issues with infertility, got some dogs, got depressed and anxious, started and finished grad school, landed a better job…and I was still convinced that my success and resume meant that I could not possibly have a drinking problem.

My drinking would have been considered alcoholic behavior by the NIH or CDC, but I kept it in check for the most part…. When the pandemic hit, I felt like I had been handed a blank check to drink 5-6 nights a week. At this time my job was relatively easy so waking up in zombie mode and getting through the day was no problem. I hated that job and myself, so drinking was a way to numb my feelings. I would go through phases where I would say “I am not drinking during the week” but after like two weeks I would find an excuse to drink. My wife and I planned on a move to Chicago after I landed a job there and as the stress mounted and the move date was getting closer, I was drinking more and more. I woke up one Sunday (March 20, 2022, for those keeping score) and realized I had enough. Alcohol had ruined my weekend. I was sick of feeling like shit and making the people around me feel like shit.

I finally admitted to my wife something she probably knew for a long time; I am an alcoholic. I was so nervous about what that statement said about me, but it ended up being liberating. It felt like I lifted a 50lb weight off my shoulders. No more drunk math, no more counting drinks and then blowing past my self-imposed limit, no more worrying about if alcohol would be at events, no more worrying about who would drive, no more of all the other shit that goes along with an addiction. Moderation is bullshit, for me at least.

I can honestly say that removing alcohol from my life has been the single best decision I have ever made. More important than getting married to my amazing wife, more important than any career choice I have ever made, more important than adopting my asshole dogs. Without the removal of alcohol all those things would have eventually gone away. I don’t want to give the impression that sobriety solves all problems, it just makes them much more manageable.

I don’t want to villainize the person I was before I got sober. I am still the same person. I think there is a tendency to apply a reductionist approach to sobriety vs active addiction. That person that was drinking was so bad, but this sober person is so good. It’s not that simple. I was a decent person before, even when drinking. I am a flawed person in sobriety. We are all complex individuals dealing with complex shit, handling it in the best way we can.

I was so worried I would not be funny or creative or social or enjoy things. I am funnier (I think so). I am more creative. I do social things (I avoid things as well) and I love doing so many things I totally forgot I loved doing! I don’t waste time sitting at bars with people I don’t really like or going to events I don’t want to be at just to get drunk. Sobriety has allowed me to reclaim my time.

I still get cravings for alcohol but they have been short lived and always pass. I drink a shitload of sparkling water, diet coke, or a fancy topo chico on a Friday night if I am feeling frisky, and I have found that I enjoy at least 2 pots of coffee a day.  I listen to sobriety podcasts, read, go for walks, run, lift weights, skateboard and go fishing; I am falling in love with my hobbies again. It’s like discovering new things but you already have all the apparatuses. On a typical Thursday night I would have had 100 beers and watched basketball, but a few weeks ago I randomly went to the skatepark at 8 pm on a Thursday instead. It’s all about changing the patterns that lead to drinking. It’s also about embracing boredom and peace. Life doesn’t have to be one chaotic adventure to the next. Sometimes it can just be listening to music in the kitchen with a sparkling water or feeding your dogs treats.

I also think its important to highlight the time between drunk episodes during my active alcoholism, even days without alcohol I was a miserable pissy pants dickhead. I would guess that my brain was constantly in an anxious state. I have found that even the times that I would normally not be drunk to be far more enjoyable. Now Tuesday’s rule! Thank God it’s Tuesday! TGIT!

I know I said I wouldn’t lecture but if you are worried about being bored in sobriety or that you won’t be funny or have fun or whatever, you will. It might be boring at first but eventually you will find better coping strategies. If you are struggling and want to talk about getting sober, reach out; I love talking. I would love to talk to you, and we can chat about some of the things that helped me get off the sauce. I am not a professional so my experiences and advice might suck major ass. I just wanted to let people know that I understand how lonely this can be.

I love lists so here’s a bunch of benefits of sobriety:

1. I am less of an asshole. Still an asshole sometimes, but less.
2. I wake up super early, my god I have so much time. Too much time.
3. I finish projects now.
4. I read books, not constantly like an English teacher or something, but I read way more.
5. I started a blog. I have wanted to write about sports and culture for a while and never had the focus to even start the process.
6. I have lost like 50lbs.
7. I don’t eat like shit anymore (weird).
8. I workout 5-6 days a week and enjoy it.
9. I let slights or perceived slights roll off my back easier.
10. I don’t hate myself (big one); I would literally wake up and say “You are a piece of shit.” That’s ridiculous! I am not a piece of shit! I am a human. A good human.
11. I don’t waste money at bars I hate with people I don’t like.
12. I don’t waste time. I can attend a football game and then go home and go for a run. That’s wild! I would go to Steelers/Pitt games and be down for the rest of the day/next day. Now I can drive to the gym or go to the grocery store. I snuck a can of diet coke into the last Steeler game I went to. I AM A WILD MAN!!!!!!

That was kind of all over the place, but I just wanted to share that it is possible to stop drinking and life does get much better.