Jody Davin 2/10/2023
Big Game Sunday is just a day away, yes the BIG GAME! The largest of all games and for legal purposes definitely not anything super or bowl related. The best part of Big Game Sunday is the opportunity to pull yourself out of credit card debt by gambling money you likely don’t have. Of course, just like my dad’s favorite video game at Slicks Bar and Grill (the one with sexy ladies and playing cards), this is for “Amusement Purposes only!”
Big Game parties bring out the worst people. Watching the game with 6 people is fine, 7 is getting into dangerous territory and a group of 8 randos is mathematically impossible to not turn the watch party into the parking lot at Whole Foods. Too many Subaru owners and people that think RBG shirts are cool. Someone will brag about only watching the game for the commercials because somehow being a capitalist mark is far better than being a football fan. It’s not, its just two sides of the same capitalist coin. At least I am transparent in my barbarianism, I still yell when guys get lit up, I gamble on things, I AM PROUD TO BE A STUPID FOOTBALL FAN! I stand for the FLAG and KNEEL for The Doobie Brothers!
Big Game No Lose Life BETS
1. Eat millions of Lil Smokies
Cover em in jelly, cover em in barbecue sauce, cover em in gravy! Shove those little bastards into your gullet and enjoy yourself. It’s the last Sunday of American Football until August! (USFL starts in April!). Mini wieners are not a staple of your diet, you only get one shot at these small cased meat babies! Nobody has ever woken up Monday morning thinking “man I should not have eaten 68 lil smokies.” There is no downside. If you have a toilet and some ginger ale go hog effing wild.
2. Do not bring up Gatorade Color bets
Everybody knows you can bet this. Nobody cares. In fact, in some states, you can’t even bet on these things because they are so dumb. Many of the silly off the wall bets are bets from offshore books that wont ever pay out. Or if www.GambleBus.4k.etc does pay, you will have to lie to the PNC teller and say that the check is from Dominican Republic because you sold Caribbean World Series tickets. This situation requires manager approval, it has something to do with 9/11. I don’t know this from experience or anything.
3. Skip the halftime show (or lobby hard to turn on the Puppy Bowl)
This is when you crush the remaining little smokies or eat another dozen meatballs. We cannot waste our time watching Twenty One Pilots or whoever is singing at halftime. When you wake up Monday in a pool of your own shit you can pretend like you don’t know why. “I don’t know why I am sick, I had a normal amount of food!” It’s our little secret.
4. Bet silly ass shit
I know I just said to not talk about the Gatorade colors but seriously bet the weird shit. It’s fun and it’s not offered all the time. You might have to do some searching for these bets on different books but they are out there. PA has some weird rules about what can be listed but MGM and BetUS has some of the weird stuff on their board. You can get paid from these books unlike those Off Shore books. Bet multiple sport parlays, bet the early soccer games in Europe. One year I woke up and started drinking at 7am when Celtic played Rangers and drank the whole way until Pete Carrol threw on the 1 yard line. I drank like 30+ beers, I have grown up since then but that was a fun memory. The parts that I remember. Part of the fun was that I had bets going all day long. The next day was hell.
5. The Guy that dresses like Andy Reid Sucks
His entire personality is dressing and acting like Andy Reid during games. Ok WE SAW YOU! PLEASE STOP. This is dumb as hell. There was this guy in Pittsburgh that was “Fake Pedro” which is even more sad. At least Andy Reid has won a SB, and his kids keep getting DUI’s. Pedro Alvarez was a 5 WAR top 10 draft pick and this guy looked sort of like him and that was his whole gimmick. How sad?
Now onto the real money makers (odds subject to change)
1. Jalen Hurts or Travis Kelce anytime TD Scorer (Hurts +100, Kelce -125)
Bet the house on this one. Call your mom, call your dad, call your uncle’s dad and your uncle’s mom. Call everyone, one of these guys will score. Cashing this one hopefully early will give you a little juice to bet the second half as recklessly as the parents leaving Carrick Volunteers Field Celebration Day at South Park. Biggest nonfederal DUI holiday of the summer.
2. Position to score first touchdown Wide Receivers +200
Wide Receivers score lots of Touchdowns, this is a good pay out for a decent chance of happening. I have very little analysis regarding this other than it seems like a decent bet and you can lay down $20 and walk away with $40. This has hit 7 of the last 13 big games, and The Eagles have kick ass wide receivers. It’s also cool to see a touchdown pass to a WR so don’t be a wet blanket and root for this, it’s good for everyone. KC is a little weaker at WR but you’ve already bet Kelce to score anytime so if he scores and you miss this you’ve already won the other bet. WIN-WIN BABY! This should help with the child support you are behind on. Or if you want you can just buy your kid some shoes or tickets to Smackdown.
3. Devonta Smith over 63.5 Receiving Yards -110
He is a beast and this will only take one big ass catch. He’s so skinny it always seems kind of dangerous for him to be playing football but he still does it. Go him!
4. Parlay a bunch of weird shit +1100
I don’t know, just parlay a bunch of weird shit. That’s always fun. Jersey numbers to score the first TD, safety to be scored, under 1.5 yards for shortest TD to be scored, 4th down conversions. Whatever. I am now making things up. Bet your friend he can’t eat glass without crying. Just do it, could be fun and you can put like $5 down and maybe win a bunch of money or you could light it on fire. Do whatever you want to do, it’s your life man.
5. E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES! To cover -1.5 at -110 (Bet this up to -9.5)
I like the Eagles to roll. They will get home to Mahomes, he is hobbled and his voice sounds like Kermit. A guy with a voice like Kermit can win a Big Game, but he can’t win two and he can’t win two on a busted up ankle. I would bet the Eagles -6.5 and even -9.5. Eagles will run the ball and their WR are lethal. I expect Steelers fans to gain false hope that Andy Weidle will have a SB championship in Pittsburgh very soon, he built this Eagles team. You should know that.
MY KICK ASS Big Game RECIPE
Cheese Dip or if you’ve travelled abroad some call it Queso! Fancy.
This recipe was passed down from my mom, it can even be made for basketball games. It strangely doesn’t change the taste based on the sport you are watching. Take the cheapest Fake cheese in a block you can find; I like Cheese Melt. It says what it does right in the name and add just a little bit of salsa. You always think you need more salsa than you do. Less salsa than you think! Microwave it for like 2 minutes, mix it like hell and then microwave it for another 2-3 minutes. Add some of those canned chiles if you want to be exotic. Take it out and enjoy with cheap ass tortilla chips! After 5 minutes there gets to be this wonderful film on top, I take that and put it on a pita and have myself a fake cheese film pita! Wonderful. Enjoy the game.
My writing and web design will improve but my opinions will not. Watch this space for weekly posts or monthly or whatever, currently I am averaging one post every 36 years. Thanks for reading!
Leave a Reply