I have felt like something has been missing in my life for the past 20 years, no not a father figure but old looking Major League Baseball players. I am sick and tired of good looking and in shape baseball players, nobody can relate to Manny Machado or Tim Anderson or Bryan Reynolds. Rob Manfred needs to get off his ass and make these dudes relatable! Mandatory post-game cigarettes and bologna sandwiches. When I started watching baseball in 1993 you could turn on the TV and see a long reliever that looked like he managed the Gulf Station in your neighborhood and just a couple nibbles of the loose beef sticks near the cash register. These sort of crusty ass players were unceremoniously pushed out by steroid induced home run hitting comic book heroes. This makes me sad.
Danny Darwin
Danny Darwin was a classic Jim Varney look alike that played for the Pirates for a brief period of time. He came into the league looking like he was 49 years old. He also bought most of the chips from Slicks down on Capital Ave when he left town. He looks younger now as a pitching coach than he did when he played. Good old looking baseball man.
Andre Dawson
He was nicknamed Hawk, probably because hawks are old and mean, some of the oldest and meanest of the bird kingdom. Science. The best player of the bunch, led the league in total bases twice, 8 x gold glove winner. Won 1987 NL MVP and had 49 Home Runs at Wrigley which was probably hard or maybe easy depending on wind, I don’t know I was 1 year old. He looks like a dude that is not to be fucked with, probably a good neighbor but don’t let your dog shit on his lawn.
Dale Sveum
Dale Sveum played 3rd base which is a good old looking baseball man position. You can play a little defense, you probably have a cannon but you can also post up at the bag and not move a ton because you have limited range, then when you really let yourself go you hobble on over to first base. It’s a good position for a guy that likes to smoke and drink some Beast Ice. In fact I am going to start calling Dale Sveum “Beast Ice.” I have never met him and doubt I will come across him in real life but its better to be prepared.
The Entire 1987 Toronto Blue Jays
Please look at their Baseball Reference page, its basically the Murderers Row of Old Looking Baseball players. 1987 was a very good year for baseball players that look like they service the boilers at your grandmas assisted living community. George Bell was old when he was young and old when he was old. He led the league in Total Bases and RBI in 1987. They have dudes named RANCE, a guy with a first name of RANCE!!!! Tom Henke buys donuts for his church but also watches if you take more than one. Ernie Whitt was probably 57 and was on this team because he “just wanted to see if this old cowboy has anything left”. Too many young olds to count.
Lance Parrish
The most attractive of the list, just an older man that took care of himself. He also looks exactly like Steelers legend Kevin Greene. I had asked for a catchers mitt when I was a kid and my dad bought me a Lance Parrish Rawlings glove. Lance Parrish was a catcher which is actually the most perfect old looking guy position on earth. Catcher takes a special kind of guy, the toughness of a roofer, the brain of a puppet master and the body of a guy who repairs bus stops. He was born in Clairton PA which automatically makes you grizzled and with a name like Lance he flew thru his infantile stage right into being 48 and wearing knee braces. Lance Parrish was signed by the Pirates because he had his CDL.
I was going to add an honorable mentions spot but Embed Press stopped working so you will have to come up with some of your own! There is also only so much space for old men in tight pants rubbing icy hot all over their bodies. Let me know about some of your favorite old guys that were actually young athletes.
Also Baylor unfortunately will win the NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship and Duke will be in the Final Four. I will be back this weekend with more bullshit! Maybe I will get to how the Pittsburgh Pirates and Penguins are stealing tax payer money or maybe it will be more dumb stuff! Who knows?
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