Don’t worry you don’t have to spend anymore time with your kids or pretend to enjoy coffee dates with your wife, Roger has finally stepped in and saved us. THE NFL IS BACK! Its so back! We have old quarterbacks in new places, new head coaches that will certainly be terrible and old head coaches that will also be terrible…I am looking at you Ron Rivera. Kansas City was the winner the last time we saw meaningful pro football, they are getting annoying. Kenny Pickett has little hands but a huge heart and his wife makes the furniture buying decisions (insert Levin Commercial). My aunt is adamant that he doesn’t buy his furniture at Levin, to make a compelling advertisement you need have some legitimacy to the claim. I don’t believe that Derek Jeter eats Subway and I don’t believe Kenny Pickett buys furniture at Levin. Even I buy my couches at Valu City, an entire municipality dedicated to great prices! They also gave us a gardening set when we bought our couch. It was as weird as it sounds.
NFC Preview
East
The Eagles are the class of this division and perhaps the league. Jalen Hurts is the best QB in this division, they have the best wide receiver group, best offensive line and added Jalen Carter to an already very good defense. I would be shocked if the Eagles lose more than 4 games this year. Dallas will compete and may have the Defensive Player of the Year in Micah Parsons but Mike McCarthy is the dumbest coach alive. Not that he is the worst coach alive, just the coach that I think has highest probability of sticking his hand in a blender while its on. Dak Prescott’s cap number in 2024 is going to be $59.5 million, the Cowboys are also going to have to work out deals with Micah Parsons and CeeDee Lamb. It appears that the Cowboys are going to be like me for the first 35 years of my life, big time financial problems. The Ny Giants will not replicate the success they had last year. Daniel Jones does not inspire much confidence and nobody believes he is worth the $160 million he got but sometimes you just got to give a guy the GDP of Kiribati (a small nation in Oceania) when he’s coming off a competent year. The Giants had a mediocre defense last year and start the season with 7 of 11 games on the road. The Philadelphia Eagles are going to win the NFC East easily.
North
Detroit is the most over hyped football team of all time. They won a few games last year but Jared Goff is still the QB. I have done a 180 on Dan Campbell, he has the most ridiculous starbucks order of all time, two venti Pike with two shots of espresso in each, I kind of love him. I thought he would have been fired before Thanksgiving his first season but has won a few games. They added Cam Sutton from Pittsburgh and CJ Gardner Johnson on Defense. Again Jared Goff is the Quarterback. I just don’t trust Detroit. They feel very 7-10 to me. I know they won at KC in Week 1 but that involved Kelce being out, and the WR for KC completely forgetting how to catch. Minnesota wins this division, total weirdo Kirk Cousins is a pretty good QB and Justin Jefferson is impossible to stop, they also added WR Jordan Addison from USC (Pitt). Chicago and Green Bay have un proven Quarterbacks.
South
Tampa is starting Baker Mayfield. Carolina is starting a rookie QB, New Orleans is starting Derek Carr and Atlanta added Bijan Robinson in the draft. New Orleans likely wins this division, I could see Atlanta being somewhat interesting to watch. Tampa and Carolina will be total disasters. This division has a real Saturday afternoon Nickelodeon playoff game vibe, announced by Drake and Josh. I think that was a show. The winner of this division could have a losing record.
West
The NFC West has two good teams and two teams which should be relegated to the World Football League. Arizona should not exist, as a football team or a state. People claim its beautiful and maybe it is, but I also feel like its strip malls and Garrison Hearst jerseys. Kyler Murray got hurt late last season and will be out most of this year, that would hurt the Cardinals but he’s terrible so it wont even be a factor. Nobody in their right mind thought he would be good he is also one of the dullest people alive. The Rams are old and old. Aaron Donald is one of the greatest defensive players of all time but has passed his prime, they went all in for a Super Bowl and it worked. They should have never changed their uniforms. If you change an iconic uniform to something modern you should forfeit draft picks. Seattle is going to rely on Geno Smith having another 100+ QBR year, they have decent wide receivers and added Jaxon Smith-Njigba, all time great name. They will finish second because nobody is catching San Francisco if Purdy can just play average QB. Deebo, Aiyuk, CMC, Bosa. Loaded with talent. Bosa got his deal so he will be there for Week 1 but I wonder how long it takes for him to get up to speed. I hope it takes at least one week….
NFC Playoffs breakdown like this
- Eagles
- San Francisco
- New Orleans
- Minnesota
- Dallas
- Seattle
- Green Bay
Eagles beat the Minnesota in the NFC Championship.
AFC
East
Is Fireman Ed back? Does anyone care? Does he know how to spell any other words than JETS? Aaron Rodgers should make a decent young team better. Way too much hype but they are a legitimate playoff team. Young great talent on offense, Breece Hall, added Dalvin Cook, Izzy Abinakanda was electric at Pitt Garrett Wilson and Sauce Gardner were named Offensive and Defensive Rookie of the Year. But I should remind everyone that the Jets are still the Jets. I think they make the playoffs but they will not win the Division. Buffalo has Josh Allen and Stefon Diggs but they have a bunch of old mediocre running backs. Miami has the most annoying head coach, he was cute with his weird press conferences but now his schtick is old. He vaped during a playoff game. New England is still going to play Mac Jones. New Englands downfall has not been as satisfying as I thought it would be. Maybe I hated Brady more than I hated Belichik. Buffalo wins the Division and the Jets finish second.
North
My neighbor has been going on and on about how Cincy lost its starting safeties and how they will take a step back. I am inclined to agree, his thoughts on trans folks is bad but his opinions on football are acceptable. Burrow is banged up but caked up, my man got paid, I am sick and tired of how much I like that dude. Bring back Jon Kitna and his terrible parenting. Cincy will finish second, too many holes to fill on defense. Baltimore was ranked 17th in an NFLPA survey of player satisfaction in the offseason, apparently the food at the team facility sucks and the strength and condition program is like a middle school wrestling team. The Ravens drafted Zay Flowers and signed OBJ, also gave Lamar his huge contract. Lamar will be hurt by week 6 and OBJ will be complaining by week 8. Baltimore will be a disaster and I will love it. Cleveland is Cleveland. Watson is a serial pervert. I am bracing for Deshaun Watson to have a good year and the media to frame it as a comeback story and not just a pervert succeeding at athletics. It happens all the time see Roethlisberger, Ben. Nick Chubb will need to run the ball 500 times for them to compete. Expectations in Pittsburgh are higher than Legarrette Blount and Leveon Bell on their way to the airport. A rebuilt inside linebacker group and the draft additions of Joey Porter Jr, Broderick Jones and Mt Darnell Washington have folks in Steelers Nation looking for a 7th Lombardi. Pickett and Pickens should combine for a bunch of TD’s, the major question will be if Matt Canada will take the shackles off Kenny and really give the offense a chance to breathe. I think the Steelers win the Division and that’s mostly because I am a homer but also because the Defense has two if not three All Pro’s and a Quarterback that showed he knows how to win.
South
Houston will be a pile of hot garbage. Rookie Quarterback and an anonymous roster will make for a long season. Tennessee drafted Will Levis, no clue if he is good or not. I know everyone says he is a stud but old Jode can’t be fooled and needs to do my own research….. Tannehill will start the season and Derrick Henry is like my third grade teacher, ridden hard and put away wet. Indianapolis is a candidate for worst team in the league, Jim Irsay is now the craziest NFL owner due to Dan Synder’s forced departure. I guess Jacksonville wins this division? Yes read that again: Jacksonville wins this division. Doug Pederson is a good coach and Trevor Lawrence is a good quarterback. I just don’t think anyone should be allowed to win this division because all these teams are garbage.
West
Kansas City wins by a landslide. This division isn’t even worth writing about. The demise of the Chiefs has been vastly overstated. They are the new Patriots, they lull you to sleep and everyone hot takes how they are done (see opening night game against the Lions) and then you wake up from a Hormel Chili induced coma in late January and they are still standing there over your clammy body. Denver has the cringeiest QB in history. Vegas has the sexiest quarterback in history. The Chargers have a bottom 3 coach. He blew a 27 point lead at Jacksonville in the playoffs. Staley sucks.
AFC Playoffs
- Kansas City
- Pittsburgh
- Buffalo
- Jacksonville
- Cincinatti
- Jets
- Miami…?
Kansas City over Pittsburgh in the AFC Championship game.
Philly gets revenge and wins another Superbowl and they destroy the city because people from Philadelphia are as wild as the stereotype.
Week 1 Best Bets
If you can’t get to your local Cherry Master to win some cash you can just place some responsible wagers on these games. Odds are from future sponsor of the blog and my lake house Draft Kings.
49ers at Steelers
The pick is Steelers +2, From CBS Sports Tomlin is 13-4-3 ATS (77%) and 12-8 SU (60%) in his career as a home dog. That’s the best SU and ATS record as a home underdog by any head coach since 1970. Bosa on a snap count, Watt fully healthy and Brock Purdy with a new rebuilt arm. I like the Steelers SU, but take a couple of points if they are offering them. Also throw a little change on George Pickens O/U 4.5 TDs for the season. I think he gets closer to 10 than he does 4.
Bengals at Browns
The pick is Browns +2. A good bet should make you a little sick. This bet makes me a little sick. I could see this game being 3-3 at half time or I could see it Bengals 24-7 at half. I don’t trust Burrows wonky leg. This is a classic Davin gagger. When I drank if I smelled whiskey I would start gagging and then work on not vomiting for the next ten minutes, this game is smelling whiskey. Its tough for three hours but eventually you get to eat pizza and go to bed.
Happy Week 1 Everybody!
Picture of my father playing the Cherry Master at Slicks on Christmas Eve 1996.
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