Winter Storm Toby
This really sucks. We had to put down our sweet baby boy Toby. We named Toby after the winter storm, I am an ego maniac and my nickname since birth has been Toby. That name has transferred all meaning to my baby boy husky. He owns the name Toby. We always envisioned a world where we would be able to take him on walks and vacations and camping trips, that was rarely the case. From the very beginning he exhibited signs of aggression that were outside of the normal puppy behavior. He bit my cheek the night before the biggest meeting of my career. I looked like a prize fighter when I met with the federal auditor reviewing the program I oversaw. But he was so damn cute and so damn funny and so damn smart. Toby filled a major void in our hearts when we realized we wouldn’t be able to have children without expensive and potentially unsuccessful treatments for fertility. He then became a burden that kept us from being able to move our family planning forward with adoption. We worked with trainers and behaviorists and pharmacists and finally had to make the brutal decision to euthanize our wonderful sweet happy funny but ultimately scared aggressive dangerous Toby.
I must remind myself this is the best option for everyone. We gave him chance after chance and hoped and explained away his poor behavior. The final straw came about two months ago, I was laying on my office floor after a workout stretching my creaky back and legs. He came up to me and started snuggling me with his head and begging for pets. I knew to do this somewhat cautiously, so I didn’t give in right away and then I finally petted him a few times under his chin where he normally takes pets really well, with no warning he snapped and clamped down on my right hand. He didn’t let go. It bled and bled. My hand still has a scar from the bite. This was not the first bite, he had bit me many times and unfortunately bit a few others. A couple months before this bite he was at Puppy Camp – a place that he always behaved and the people there loved him – we got a call that he bit an employee and would not be allowed back. I knew that we would likely be facing the situation that we are currently in. I desperately wanted this to work, I spent hours working with him and trying to get him to play again and do all the things he did the first 12-16 months we had him. He was a different dog. He no longer wanted to play and he no longer took pets and he no longer caught frisbee. Toby had become dangerous.
Putting down a dog that is physically healthy seems especially cruel, to both the dog and the owners. Not seeing him limp around or whine or lick wounds doesn’t provide the reminder that he is hurting like anything else. His brain is hurting. He fears everything; he is constantly vigilant. I keep asking myself if there was more that could have been done, I am sure there was. Somewhat paradoxically I know that we did everything that we could have. We finally met with some incredibly compassionate behaviorists at THE Ohio State University. They asked us questions about his behavior and his history and gave us the reality of the situation. They gave us the option of a behavior plan but said that he was in the top 1-5% of cases for aggression and that euthanasia would be our best option, for Toby and us. Wow BEST, I wish I had a larger vocabulary, doesn’t feel like the best anything. We wanted to hear from professionals that knew this type of thing, the most accurate indicator of future behavior is past behavior.
This is simultaneously the worst and most humane thing to do. He wants to rest and we need to let him rest. We haven’t taken a vacation in a year, we don’t host gatherings anymore, we don’t even allow guests inside our home. Our quality of life has dropped significantly as we tip toe around Toby and his aggression. His quality of life has suffered as well. He wont allow us to leash him for walks, he doesn’t want to play frisbee, his world has become so small. Toby was the bridge between phases in our life, he taught us patience and love and responsibility and how to make hard decisions even when they aren’t fun or feel good. He was so important to me and my wife and my growth as a human. That can never be taken away nor will it be forgotten. I write this with tears pouring down my face, I have been crying for weeks about this. I know eventually I will be ok and I have moments of peace knowing that my life can go forward and he can feel relief, but this really sucks. If you have a doggy that allows you to hold them, please do. Sorry Millie but you are about to get absolutely smothered with snuggles. I love you Toby. (he probably cant read or have access to this blog in heaven, but I wanted to say it in case he does).
I choose to remember these times. He was funny and bad and would arrange bones that he hid in our couch out like a threat. He danced with me to a streamed Dropkick Murphy’s concert during the early days of the pandemic. I love that dude. I’m gonna love him forever.
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