The Grift

The Grift…Sports and other stuff

  • Bring Back Crusty Baseball Players

    I have felt like something has been missing in my life for the past 20 years, no not a father figure but old looking Major League Baseball players. I am sick and tired of good looking and in shape baseball players, nobody can relate to Manny Machado or Tim Anderson or Bryan Reynolds. Rob Manfred needs to get off his ass and make these dudes relatable! Mandatory post-game cigarettes and bologna sandwiches. When I started watching baseball in 1993 you could turn on the TV and see a long reliever that looked like he managed the Gulf Station in your neighborhood and just a couple nibbles of the loose beef sticks near the cash register. These sort of crusty ass players were unceremoniously pushed out by steroid induced home run hitting comic book heroes. This makes me sad.

    Danny Darwin

    Danny Darwin was a classic Jim Varney look alike that played for the Pirates for a brief period of time. He came into the league looking like he was 49 years old. He also bought most of the chips from Slicks down on Capital Ave when he left town. He looks younger now as a pitching coach than he did when he played. Good old looking baseball man.

    Andre Dawson

    He was nicknamed Hawk, probably because hawks are old and mean, some of the oldest and meanest of the bird kingdom. Science. The best player of the bunch, led the league in total bases twice, 8 x gold glove winner. Won 1987 NL MVP and had 49 Home Runs at Wrigley which was probably hard or maybe easy depending on wind, I don’t know I was 1 year old. He looks like a dude that is not to be fucked with, probably a good neighbor but don’t let your dog shit on his lawn.

    Dale Sveum

    Dale Sveum played 3rd base which is a good old looking baseball man position. You can play a little defense, you probably have a cannon but you can also post up at the bag and not move a ton because you have limited range, then when you really let yourself go you hobble on over to first base. It’s a good position for a guy that likes to smoke and drink some Beast Ice. In fact I am going to start calling Dale Sveum “Beast Ice.” I have never met him and doubt I will come across him in real life but its better to be prepared.

    The Entire 1987 Toronto Blue Jays

    Please look at their Baseball Reference page, its basically the Murderers Row of Old Looking Baseball players. 1987 was a very good year for baseball players that look like they service the boilers at your grandmas assisted living community. George Bell was old when he was young and old when he was old. He led the league in Total Bases and RBI in 1987. They have dudes named RANCE, a guy with a first name of RANCE!!!! Tom Henke buys donuts for his church but also watches if you take more than one. Ernie Whitt was probably 57 and was on this team because he “just wanted to see if this old cowboy has anything left”. Too many young olds to count.

    Lance Parrish

    The most attractive of the list, just an older man that took care of himself. He also looks exactly like Steelers legend Kevin Greene. I had asked for a catchers mitt when I was a kid and my dad bought me a Lance Parrish Rawlings glove. Lance Parrish was a catcher which is actually the most perfect old looking guy position on earth. Catcher takes a special kind of guy, the toughness of a roofer, the brain of a puppet master and the body of a guy who repairs bus stops. He was born in Clairton PA which automatically makes you grizzled and with a name like Lance he flew thru his infantile stage right into being 48 and wearing knee braces. Lance Parrish was signed by the Pirates because he had his CDL.

    I was going to add an honorable mentions spot but Embed Press stopped working so you will have to come up with some of your own! There is also only so much space for old men in tight pants rubbing icy hot all over their bodies. Let me know about some of your favorite old guys that were actually young athletes.

    Also Baylor unfortunately will win the NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship and Duke will be in the Final Four. I will be back this weekend with more bullshit! Maybe I will get to how the Pittsburgh Pirates and Penguins are stealing tax payer money or maybe it will be more dumb stuff! Who knows?

  • A few words on Sports and Men’s Fashion

    By Jody Davin 3/5/2023

    I hope you remembered that the last blog post was for amusement purposes only and I was only serious about some of the bets I listed, the ones that I predicted correct were the serious ones and the ones that I got wrong were the joke ones. Duh.

    1. The Kansas City Chiefs are going to be annoying. If you aren’t already annoyed by their fans doing racist chanting and hand gestures on national television, then you will be annoyed by their winning. They keep winning games that look like they are destined to lose, this is reminiscent of the Patriots late stage run. Mahomes is unreal, Kelce is the best and now they are pretending that people think they suck. Nobody counted them out, they were a top 3 favorite to win the Super Bowl all season long. Please stop playing underdog. They are who we thought they were, crown em! – Dennis Green. (RIP)
    2. Ron Hextall should be fired into the sun. I went to a game two weeks ago and the normally boring corporate crowd at Consol Energy Center organically started chanting “Fire Hextall!” It was the best crowd moment at the Power Plant (that’s what I call it) since 2014 when the crowd overtook Royal Rumble. Most memorably the crowd booed the shit out of Rey Mysterio when he was announced as the 30th participant instead of Daniel Bryan. This has turned into a recap of a wrestling show that ended more than 9 years ago. Anyway Hextall Sucks, he didn’t clear cap space, made the team smaller and somehow older at the trade deadline. If they make the playoffs, which I hope they do, they will get murdered by Boston. Ron Hextall Sucks! Ron Hextall Sucks (to the tune of John Cena Sucks).
    3. Pitt Basketball has been fun to watch but they are a fraud. Jeff Capel has put together a decent team of transfers and a Graduate Student in Nellie Cummings. They lobbied so hard to get ranked only to lose to a really bad Notre Dame team with the ACC Title on the line and then get crushed on the glass 42-20 at Miami with yet another shot at the ACC Title. If they don’t shoot lights out they cant win. They have no presence below the hoop. I will be interested to see if they can keep any of these players, Jeff Capel hasn’t built shit. He had one good season but I would not anticipate this level of success next year. Capel oversaw two of the worst seasons in Oklahoma Basketball history and I wonder if fans would have been so excited about his hiring if he didn’t stand next to Coach K for 7 years. They now need a win in the ACC tournament to get an NCAA Bid, I think they get one win and maybe two. They will be dancing which will be exciting but Capel is no Jamie Dixon.

    Cultural Commentary

    I just got this email with this description of a podcast

    “As a kid, Thomas Synan Jr. wanted to help people — like the iconic superhero Batman.  He’s chief of Newtown Police Department in southeastern Ohio.”

    We need to address the problem of cops being angry nerds. He is comparing himself to Batman. Batman’s parents were brutally murdered in front of him and he went on to a life of vigilante justice. This feels like it’s the problem. No I will not be listening to this podcast.   

    FASHION TIME!!!!!

    We need to talk about LANYARDS.

    Why do people have those lanyards that stick out of their pockets? I am 36 and I remember being in middle school when lanyards were kind of a thing, I think I had a Notre Dame one. I wore it around my neck with my house and locker keys on it. Then I realized I hated Notre Dame and had no connection to the school and Lou Hotlz sucked and Bob Davey was even worse. I took the keys off and put them into my pocket, then lost the lanyard and never once considered it again. Why are adults in 2023 wearing lanyards that hang out of their pocket? Like are you proud that you have things that clip onto another clip? It’s always dudes that still wear cargo shorts, Is this just a Western PA thing? Is it just a hockey dad thing? Is this a middle school sports coach thing? It’s always people that drive white SUV’s and wear Nike Shox. They might not be Cops but say shit like “cops have a tough job; you don’t get it.” Please stop this.

    Proper use of a lanyard.

    He’s probably on time for something important, maybe even has extra time because he knows what he’s doing and wears his lanyard right. Probably makes sensible contributions to a retirement account at regular intervals.

    Improper use

    These people are living in 1998 and really hope CrazyTown goes back on tour. Come my lanyard, come come my lanyard. Key holder baby.

    Come back next week! Or whenever I decide to write again. We will talk Pittsburgh Pirates, Public financing of sports buildings and hair gel salesmen that want to be Allegheny County Treasurers!

  • Big Game Predictions! Eat Cheese, Win Money, Debt Free by Monday!

    Jody Davin 2/10/2023

    Could be yours if you follow along

    Big Game Sunday is just a day away, yes the BIG GAME! The largest of all games and for legal purposes definitely not anything super or bowl related. The best part of Big Game Sunday is the opportunity to pull yourself out of credit card debt by gambling money you likely don’t have. Of course, just like my dad’s favorite video game at Slicks Bar and Grill (the one with sexy ladies and playing cards), this is for “Amusement Purposes only!”
    Big Game parties bring out the worst people. Watching the game with 6 people is fine, 7 is getting into dangerous territory and a group of 8 randos is mathematically impossible to not turn the watch party into the parking lot at Whole Foods. Too many Subaru owners and people that think RBG shirts are cool. Someone will brag about only watching the game for the commercials because somehow being a capitalist mark is far better than being a football fan. It’s not, its just two sides of the same capitalist coin. At least I am transparent in my barbarianism, I still yell when guys get lit up, I gamble on things, I AM PROUD TO BE A STUPID FOOTBALL FAN! I stand for the FLAG and KNEEL for The Doobie Brothers!

    Big Game No Lose Life BETS


    1. Eat millions of Lil Smokies
    Cover em in jelly, cover em in barbecue sauce, cover em in gravy! Shove those little bastards into your gullet and enjoy yourself. It’s the last Sunday of American Football until August! (USFL starts in April!). Mini wieners are not a staple of your diet, you only get one shot at these small cased meat babies! Nobody has ever woken up Monday morning thinking “man I should not have eaten 68 lil smokies.” There is no downside. If you have a toilet and some ginger ale go hog effing wild.

    Small hot dogs in delicious juice

    2. Do not bring up Gatorade Color bets
    Everybody knows you can bet this. Nobody cares. In fact, in some states, you can’t even bet on these things because they are so dumb. Many of the silly off the wall bets are bets from offshore books that wont ever pay out. Or if www.GambleBus.4k.etc does pay, you will have to lie to the PNC teller and say that the check is from Dominican Republic because you sold Caribbean World Series tickets. This situation requires manager approval, it has something to do with 9/11. I don’t know this from experience or anything.


    3. Skip the halftime show (or lobby hard to turn on the Puppy Bowl)
    This is when you crush the remaining little smokies or eat another dozen meatballs. We cannot waste our time watching Twenty One Pilots or whoever is singing at halftime. When you wake up Monday in a pool of your own shit you can pretend like you don’t know why. “I don’t know why I am sick, I had a normal amount of food!” It’s our little secret.


    4. Bet silly ass shit
    I know I just said to not talk about the Gatorade colors but seriously bet the weird shit. It’s fun and it’s not offered all the time. You might have to do some searching for these bets on different books but they are out there. PA has some weird rules about what can be listed but MGM and BetUS has some of the weird stuff on their board. You can get paid from these books unlike those Off Shore books. Bet multiple sport parlays, bet the early soccer games in Europe. One year I woke up and started drinking at 7am when Celtic played Rangers and drank the whole way until Pete Carrol threw on the 1 yard line. I drank like 30+ beers, I have grown up since then but that was a fun memory. The parts that I remember. Part of the fun was that I had bets going all day long. The next day was hell.


    5. The Guy that dresses like Andy Reid Sucks
    His entire personality is dressing and acting like Andy Reid during games. Ok WE SAW YOU! PLEASE STOP. This is dumb as hell. There was this guy in Pittsburgh that was “Fake Pedro” which is even more sad. At least Andy Reid has won a SB, and his kids keep getting DUI’s. Pedro Alvarez was a 5 WAR top 10 draft pick and this guy looked sort of like him and that was his whole gimmick. How sad?

    Now onto the real money makers (odds subject to change)

    1. Jalen Hurts or Travis Kelce anytime TD Scorer (Hurts +100, Kelce -125)

    Bet the house on this one. Call your mom, call your dad, call your uncle’s dad and your uncle’s mom. Call everyone, one of these guys will score. Cashing this one hopefully early will give you a little juice to bet the second half as recklessly as the parents leaving Carrick Volunteers Field Celebration Day at South Park. Biggest nonfederal DUI holiday of the summer.


    2. Position to score first touchdown Wide Receivers +200
    Wide Receivers score lots of Touchdowns, this is a good pay out for a decent chance of happening. I have very little analysis regarding this other than it seems like a decent bet and you can lay down $20 and walk away with $40. This has hit 7 of the last 13 big games, and The Eagles have kick ass wide receivers. It’s also cool to see a touchdown pass to a WR so don’t be a wet blanket and root for this, it’s good for everyone. KC is a little weaker at WR but you’ve already bet Kelce to score anytime so if he scores and you miss this you’ve already won the other bet. WIN-WIN BABY! This should help with the child support you are behind on. Or if you want you can just buy your kid some shoes or tickets to Smackdown.


    3. Devonta Smith over 63.5 Receiving Yards -110
    He is a beast and this will only take one big ass catch. He’s so skinny it always seems kind of dangerous for him to be playing football but he still does it. Go him!


    4. Parlay a bunch of weird shit +1100
    I don’t know, just parlay a bunch of weird shit. That’s always fun. Jersey numbers to score the first TD, safety to be scored, under 1.5 yards for shortest TD to be scored, 4th down conversions. Whatever. I am now making things up. Bet your friend he can’t eat glass without crying. Just do it, could be fun and you can put like $5 down and maybe win a bunch of money or you could light it on fire. Do whatever you want to do, it’s your life man.


    5. E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES! To cover -1.5 at -110 (Bet this up to -9.5)
    I like the Eagles to roll. They will get home to Mahomes, he is hobbled and his voice sounds like Kermit. A guy with a voice like Kermit can win a Big Game, but he can’t win two and he can’t win two on a busted up ankle. I would bet the Eagles -6.5 and even -9.5. Eagles will run the ball and their WR are lethal. I expect Steelers fans to gain false hope that Andy Weidle will have a SB championship in Pittsburgh very soon, he built this Eagles team. You should know that.


    MY KICK ASS Big Game RECIPE
    Cheese Dip or if you’ve travelled abroad some call it Queso! Fancy.
    This recipe was passed down from my mom, it can even be made for basketball games. It strangely doesn’t change the taste based on the sport you are watching. Take the cheapest Fake cheese in a block you can find; I like Cheese Melt. It says what it does right in the name and add just a little bit of salsa. You always think you need more salsa than you do. Less salsa than you think! Microwave it for like 2 minutes, mix it like hell and then microwave it for another 2-3 minutes. Add some of those canned chiles if you want to be exotic. Take it out and enjoy with cheap ass tortilla chips! After 5 minutes there gets to be this wonderful film on top, I take that and put it on a pita and have myself a fake cheese film pita! Wonderful. Enjoy the game.

    Clancy could win MVP

    My writing and web design will improve but my opinions will not. Watch this space for weekly posts or monthly or whatever, currently I am averaging one post every 36 years. Thanks for reading!